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The 4 Step Sequence of a “Big Ask” ... How to Gain Buy-In Without Pushing

loss pain safety trust Feb 04, 2026

One of the questions I’m asked frequently, whether I’m leading a mastermind cohort, working one on one with clients, or speaking from a stage, is this:

“What is the successful sequence of making a ‘big ask’ and receiving buy-in?”

And this applies internally ... asking for new scope, a title, compensation, or resources.

It also applies externally ... asking a client to commit, expand, renew, or say yes to a bigger engagement.

Most people think the ask is the moment that matters most.

It’s not.

The ‘ask’ is the fourth step.

If you want buy-in, you need the right sequence ... because the sequence is what makes the ask feel like a solution, not a request for the other to give something up.

So, the next time you commit to making a big ask, consider the following:

Step 1: Build a Trust and Safety Runway

Before you ask for anything, it’s important to build a trust and safety runway.

Not trust that you can get something done or competence trust.

Explicit communication that demonstrates rust that you understand and care about the other person’s perspective/condition.

Trust that you are paying attention to what they’re carrying. This creates safety for them to lean into what you’re asking.

This is a need, not a bonus. In our hierarchy of needs, we need to feel safe and cared for. And this step is often overlooked.

So what does it look like?

It sounds like an explicit concern. Keep in mind, to sound like you carccve it’s imperative that you do!

“It sounds like this quarter is carrying a lot of weight for you.”
“It sounds like you’re being asked to hold a lot of priorities at once.”
“It seems like this issue is incredibly important.”

And here’s the beautiful part:

It is okay if you are slightly off.

If you say, “It sounds like XYZ is the main concern,” and you’re not perfectly right, people will correct you ... and most people actually love to correct you.

That correction creates clarity. And clarity creates connection.

Step 2: Name Their Loss Pain ... and Truly Care About It

Next is loss pain.

Loss pain is a huge driver of motivation, even more so than potential benefits. Before making an ask, it’s important to understand what the other person is trying to avoid losing.

It’s not enough to state someone’s loss pain though.

Again, it’s vital to genuinely care about it ... and you have to communicate that care.

How?

Slow your speaking down a little. Lean in a little. Be present.

If you’re talking about lost revenue, lost traction, lost progress, or losing momentum in the quarter ... do not rush past it. Do not deliver it like a bullet point.

Let it land with weight.

Because how you deliver it is part of how you build trust.

And if you do this well, the other person will feel something important:

“This person understands AND cares what I’m carrying.”

Step 3: Let It Sit ... Then End on a Crescendo

This is where timing becomes everything.

When you take someone low emotionally, it’s memorable which is good! However, the “last impression is the lasting impression” as a mentor of mine says, so we don’t want to end a conversation there. It is okay if there’s a pause.

It is okay if the room gets quiet.

That pause is not awkward. That pause is impactful.

Be sure to end the conversation on a crescendo though! Think of the nose of an airplane. Sometimes it feels like the plane is going down ... but then the nose lifts. Thankfully! Let’s make sure your conversation ends in an upward inflection too!

Here’s how:

Bring in your commitment to the solution.

“I can absolutely help with that.”
“There is a way through this.”
“This is solvable, and here’s how.”

When you do that, you are no longer someone asking them to give you something.

You become the person who can help them avoid the loss.

And that shift is powerful.

Step 4: Make the Ask ... After Trust, Lost Pain, and the Solution

Your ask should be grounded in two things:

What is most important to the other person and what they want to avoid losing.
Your joint vision together.

When your ask connects to what matters to them and where you are both trying to go, it stops feeling like a request.

It starts feeling like a solution.

And yes ... I’m still a big proponent of framing your‘ask’ as a no-oriented question so the other person feels like they have agency.

Example:

“Since you want to avoid going over budget, and we are both committed to xx% growth this quarter, would it be unreasonable to expand my scope to include this?”

The Sequence That Creates Buy In

In summary:

Build a trust and safety runway
Name their loss pain ... and show that you truly care
Let it sit a couple seconds ... then end on a crescendo with the vision of a solution
Make the ask as a no- oriented question tied to what matters to them and your joint vision

That is how you gain buy-in and almost never get a ‘no’!

Here’s to you not just having a seat at the table ... but having a bigger voice at the table!

I’m cheering you on always. If I can support you, your team, or your organization in any way, please reach out to me directly.

- Sheryl